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My friend Amber isn’t known for her literary prowess, so I was surprised when she took an interest in the book I was rereading, F Scott Fitzgerald’s masterpiece The Great Gatsby. ‘That’s Richard’s favourite book!’ she announced with delight – Richard being her current boyfriend. ‘He calls my breasts Daisy and Myrtle [the book’s two main female characters] and so I call his penis the Great Gats…’ ‘ENOUGH!’ I shrieked.
Thanks to this indiscreet disclosure, I will never be able to read The Great Gatsby again but, interestingly, I still love Amber. This is because her emotional incontinence has nothing to do with being manipulative; she just has no idea of appropriateness or context.
I do, however, have some advice for her, and all the other over-sharers. If you can’t keep information in your head, in a comer of your mind marked ‘private’, invest in a diary with a small padlock and key and write it in there.
You see, I do not want to know about your boyfriend’s proclivities or shortcoming, use of root vegetables in a romantic context, when your period is beginning, what arrangements you have/haven’t made to deal with this situation, what your partner shouts in the throes of ecstasy, or the explicit nature of your dreams.
Lockable stationery means you can get stuff off your chest without filling my every waking moment with the type of unpleasant images which simply mean I will never think of you in the same light, or be able to look your boyfriend in the eye again.
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