FUNNK BONES: The Most Dangerous Man

This chap is the Geordie stand-up and Celebrity Juice regular with his tongue stuck firmly in his cheek. But that didn’t stop him from getting kicked off Soccer AM for uttering the words bumming your dad during a live broadcast earlier this year, an event that serves as inspiration for his new tour.

What can you tell us about the new tout?

The tour is called The Most Dangerous Man On Saturday Morning Television. The whole thing is a train of thought that got sparked when I got kicked off of Soccer AM. I’m apparently the only person in history to be kicked off – much more fucking edgy guys than me have been on there and haven’t been kicked off, it was very strange. It sounds really edgy, but anyone that’s seen me knows that’s not what I do, I’m not that kind of guy. But yeah, I got a fucking good story out of it, put it that way.

So you focus on that one incident?

Yeah. Because people that have seen it on YouTube, they don’t know everything that happened when I was there and the fallout afterwards. It was the way they got me out of the studio that was funniest – they didn’t stand up and go, Right, get out now, you’re a disgrace.” They sort of tricked me into getting off the sofa and out of the way of the cameras, and then they just locked a door and didn’t let me back in. Imagine when you’ve just had your carpet done but your dog’s in the living room and you’re trying to get him out – honestly, short of going to get a fucking treat for me and trying to coax me out with a bit of chocolate or something. It was mental. The show sums up why I’m not the most dangerous man on television. I talk about that and I talk about a load of different things in my life.

Has yout sense of humour sot you into trouble elsewhere? What about on Celebrity Juice

I think the guests on Juice have learnt not to take themselves too seriously, even the proper fucking no-marks who are basically there just to have the piss taken out of them. The amount of times I’ve gone on to Juice, looked at the list and thought, Oh, I’m on with this fucking idiot today,” prepared myself for the worst, and they’ve actually been alright – they’ve really been up for a laugh.

Do you enjoy the touring side of the job?

Yeah, it’s brilliant. I mean, I’ve worked in offices, I’ve worked in bars, I’ve worked in All Sports for £2.75 an hour – remember All Sports? I only used to do four-hour shifts as well. I remember one week I forgot to renew my bus pass. So I had to get the bus in to All Sports, bus back, and I bought my dinner from Greggs – at the end of the day I remember being down 40 pence, it was like, what’s the point in this? It was ridiculous. So yeah, any kind of travelling, any kind of feeling tired in comedy, you whinge about it like anything else, but at the back of your mind it’s always like, Well, you could be trying to sell someone dubbing for football boots.”

We did a gig in a pub called – actually, the name of the pub inspires confidence immediately – it was called The Wasp’s Nest. There was no entrance fee, there were no posters up – ah,

I tell I lie, there was one poster, A4-size, black and white with the name of the comedians on, and I saw that as I was pissing on it in the urinals before the gig. There was no PA system, no lighting, no stage area, intro tracks or announcement. So basically what it was, if you can imagine walking into the middle of a really rough Wetherspoons and just announcing to everyone that they’ve now got to be quiet and listen to what you’ve got to say, and then try to tell some jokes. It was horrible. It was so badly run. I spoke to the guy whose pub it was afterwards and was like, Mate, what were you thinking?” And he was like, Well, I went to a Jongleurs the other week and I thought ˜ah we can have that here’.” I was like, Well, I hope you know now that you can’t, you maniac”. That’s like me watching UFC on the telly and then going, I fancy that in my garden, I’ve got a shed, just get two lads in, that’ll be the cage, they can just fight in there.” Mental.

Yeah, we’re working on it until the end of September. We do all the inside stuff in Manchester and then we do the location stuff actually in Hebburn, which is really good fun. Last time I did it I was halfway through a scene and my mate’s dad was fitting some windows in a house across the road and he just shouted, You alright Chris! What you up to?” And everyone was like, Cut! Cut! Who the fuck is that bloke?” And I had to be like, Oh, just hold on a minute, sorry, I’m just filming a TV show.” It was really funny. That just about sums it up for me.

So, before we go, we were looking at Wikipedia.

It’s bollocks! Bollocks! The hair thing is bollocks. I don’t know who put it up. What happened was I went on Twitter and I said, Ah, for all of you asking, you can calm down,

I’ve finally got a Wikipedia page” – being a bit ironic and daft.

Then within minutes it was fucking unrecognisable.

But for some reason whichever genius decided to put the hair flick thing, [note to readers – Chris’s page currently reads: His trademark ˜Geordie hair flick’ has become popular in the Newcastle area, being named ˜Newcastle Hairstyle of the Year 2012′.”] the people of Wikipedia who review it must have thought it seemed legit – so they left it in! But everyone’s so disappointed when they find out it isn’t true.

I might actually orchestrate some kind of competition.

Actually – no! It’d be like when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like competition and came fucking third. It’d be like that, I’ll enter it and I’ll sort it myself just to make interviewers happy and I’ll fucking lose. Some other wanker would get it.

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