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Next post: They settled down together on a squishy old sofa, long abandoned, bleeding stuffing where it had once been slashed with razors or where the rats had gnawed into it How old are you now? Fifteen. Already? Well, yeah. Right. Its certainly time we talked. About what? Joshua asked. Reuben shot him his most solemn look. About fucking, and the Jewish tradition.

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Take my ex-flatmate, Laura. She had started going to bed earlier and earlier each night. Even when mutual friends came over, she’d announce she was retiring to her room. It was an effort getting her to leave the flat. I practically had to drag her out for drinks one Friday night. With a glass of wine in her hand, she seemed her old fun-loving self and I remarked on how great it was to see her away from her bedroom. It was the catalyst she needed. ‘I’ve just got a vibrator and I love it!’ she shrieked. Was it just me or had the entire bar heard her? ‘It’s so good,’ she confided, still at the decibel level of a fish wife. ‘I swear I can have two orgasms in a row, two! Admittedly I really have to push through that barrier to get that second one.’ I was rendered speechless. Laura wasn’t. ‘Ha ha ha,’ she cackled, ‘and you thought I was getting my beauty sleep… ’

Why she felt compelled to tell me everything in such detail, I’ve no idea.

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